OCTOBER. I didn’t go out a single time during this month, but instead I wrote. I wrote about long distance relationships and being lonely. It was depressing but the respons was incredible and everybody here held me together.
School picked up, I learnt how to code and we had a tech art exhibition which was such a success. After a huge fight and a pile of truths I became closer to my family than I have since I was a teenager and could start enjoying their support and open up.
Daniel was a star and came to visit three out of four weekends, one which he even brought Seb. We discovered brunch places and beer houses and Frida became my pal. Slowly maybe Stockholm didn’t feel so shitty anymore.
NOVEMBER I wrote this text that got hell of a lot of love. Twice I escaped to London in midst of the hectic schoolwork and felt as happy as ever. There were rooftop parties and bright breakfasts with Daniel, the meadow in London Fields were even in full bloom and I had my old life back for a bit. For my birthday Daniel threw a grand surprise party for me with all of my friends and my heart just exploded.
Oddly enough going back to Stockholm felt pretty alright as I had spent my weekends in the UK bragging about my education and couldn’t wait to continue developing.
DECEMBER. Usually I go into depression around December, but for some reason this year was different. I’m not sure whether it was due to my having been depressed for such a long time already or the fact that I was finally settled in my life in Stockholm. Anyhow I was oh so busy and went to parties, organised club nights at Laika, illustrated posters and worked like a hound at school. And all felt great. Maybe it was just the fact that I knew that soon I’d be spending two whole weeks with the man I love.
Right before Christmas we left for Canada, as you all know. We had the best and most hectic time, drinking bourbon, meeting his lovely friends and doing a million family things like eating turkey and decorating the christmas tree.
At midnight on NYE I felt like I could finally breathe because this weird year was finally over. 2014 was heavy and excruciating but absolutely wonderful. I’ve been more sad than ever and for most part of it I’ve been heavily depressed. But I made the changes I had to and even though it sucked I fucking made it. I MADE IT! I’m so thankful for all the wicked people I can now call friends, and especially Daniel of course. These struggles have been painful but I’ve had come to so many realisations and I’m determined to make 2015 be a much kinder year. And lol, thanks for putting up with me and for reading and commenting. You have no idea how much this place and you guys mean to me.
JULY. I received the letter saying that I got accepted to Hyper Island in Stockholm and broke down sobbing both out of relief but even more out of despair. I decided to accept it which was the hardest decision I’ve ever made.
Meanwhile I had my last day at work (crying obviously) and then I was off just working on my tan in parks and being carefree. I hung out with Kajsa every single day and she became one of my most important people. Daniel was on a motorcycle trip in Cali and I had friends over for seafood dinners almost every night. London was steaming hot and me knowing these were my last weeks I squeezed in as much fun as I could. For my last weekend my friends brought me down to Brighton where we drank wine at the beach and the night was sweltering and pink.
AUGUST. We went to Visions Festival the day before the worst day of my life. Between gigs I had pickle back shots with Saboune and Bex and danced in their office chairs to Prince until I started crying. It was now my turn to attend my own leaving party and it was surreal and lovely because I filled up a whole flat with people I love.
Then on the 4th I moved to Stockholm and was an absolute mess. Sweden was colourful but I hated every bit of it. Hyper Island started and was more than I could’ve hoped for, but still I cried at least three times a day being so broken inside. I had never had so much fun at school, meeting incredible people and learning tons. This blog though, was only filled with all that my heavy heart felt. I almost wanted to abandon this place because what point was there when I didn’t do anything adventurous in my life anymore. No outrageous warehouse parties or restaurant dinners, no new excursions or rooftops nights with friends. My weeks was just packed with school and I kind of loved it. It killed me not seeing Daniel for a whole month though, so when he came it felt like I had won the lottery.
SEPTEMBER. My depression got deeper with every week and it came to that point where my parents sorted out therapy for me. I realised that this cannot keep on happening so I started to make an effort and actually I realised that perhaps Stockholm isn’t all shit.
Three weeks in I got to go back to London for a visit and it was magical and I didn’t understand why I wasn’t there with Daniel and my friends but I started to accept it.
APRIL. Spring came and with it did a billion cherry blossom and tons of sun. We spent every free moment in parks and had garden parties. Just at the start of the month I had meetings with various agencies asking for guidance and they all appointed me to this school called Hyper Island.
I checked it out and my heart sank because I knew that that’s what I should be doing but the damn school was located in Stockholm and the deadline for applications was in two weeks. Luckily I had my midterm break and went down to my family in Nairobi where I worked day and night on the creative task feeling so hopeful and confused.
Otherwise we sipped on milkshakes at Kenyan cafes and sunbathed at the coast. I knew it would be the last time in a while as my parents decided that they’d move back to Sweden in the summer and it felt so sad to not have Kenya as my second home anymore.
MAY. I wrote this confession about my depression and life crisisand got 60(!) comments on it. <3 I also received an email that I got through to the admissions day at Hyper Island and my life turned and I became the true happy me. Daniel and I went on dates several times a week and I was so in love. Lots of art exhibitions, gigs, an Arsenal match, restaurants, city discoveries and dates in bed.
The summer gave the whole city hope and we socialised as if our lives depended on it. All windows as well as doors were open and every week there was a rooftop party, a terrace picnic or a canal pre party and nothing felt heavy at all.
JUNE. A heatwave overtook Britain and it was 30 degrees for most of the time and I was in heaven. I had finished my first year at London College of Communication and officially dropped out and felt fabulous about it. I nannied but mostly I worked on my tan, read novels and listened to podcasts in the sun. My favourite festival Field Dayarrived and we were 14 youngsters squeezed around our dining table devouring in brunch and bloody marys. So many great gigs, friends and borderline activities in a day that I fell asleep in my staircase by the end of it.
Otherwise we had lots of friends visiting and sleeping in our attic, I cat sat Ruby Tuesday and we ate out all the time. Daniel shaved his head off and looked so handsome and dangerous I died. We went to Holland to visit Seb’s family home and go to an insane party(!). After we stopped by Amsterdam for a weekend and it became one of my favourite cities. June did just great for my soul.
Time to summarise 2014, which has been an insane year.
JANUARY. I started 2014 visiting my family home in Kenya with Daniel. We went on safaris and bathed in the Indian Ocean as well as in waterfalls in the jungle. I got to show him how my life was when I lived there and we slept in tents to the sound of the hyenas on the savannah.
Back in London I quit my nanny job because I was literally bullied by the 5 year old but found to lovely Irish sisters who saved me and that I love still. Uni was shit and super sexist which made me doubt myself and everything else. I stood on the verge of what would be a year long life crisis. Luckily there were weekends celebrating friends in Mexican restaurants and tons of brunches with friends.
FEBRUARY. It’s just as grey as all the other Februarys in history, but it fits my mood so it’s okay. Our hipster friends have a lovely visa wedding as they are moving to NYC and I spend all my money eating out.
I skip class every day because I hate uni and instead I got to every party I get invited to no matter what day it is. My head teacher tries to get me involved and in a last attempt I create a photo book with naked men with Francesca Jane Allen and write articles for the school mag. Overall I’m just so confused and I cry desperately every day.
But in the midst of it I meet Kajsa and she rescues me and we become best friends and drink beer in the rain or by the canal or in basements and never go home before 7am. And for that I will be forever grateful. Daniel looses his job and even though it’s shit we are so happy about it because we get to spend every single day together. We go down to Hamburg to visit Frida and have the best long weekend imaginable.
MARCH. One can always count on spring being everywhere in March and that’s what I love about London. Everywhere there are sandals, bare legs and t-shirts. We have unemployed breakfasts at our terrace every single day, play records and make out. Aabid and Christina visits and I am now convinces that Canadians are my favourite people.
We lay in parks, go for dinner at ex strip clubs and sing karaoke. Everything is careless and as I’m heading towards dropping out of school so I only focus on having fun. My friends are so caring and comfort me and get me drunk. I think I went to three gigs a week in March and tons of art exhibitions (like Martin Creed’s balloon room) and everyday is just a party day. I celebrate 3 years in London, 2 years with Daniel and also his birthday. Luckily I was able to fit so much dance into such a heavy heart.