photo by lovisa
An apology for my absence. Not only the past 10 days but I’ve been distant for a long time. I’m glad you missed me even though you’re annoyed. I need to update you on my lost state of being because it’s all a big mess and you must be just as confused as me:
These past 9months have been awful. I have had a big teenage depression, crying most nights of the week, completely inconsolable. Nothing has felt like fun and I’ve been hiding from both family and friends, school and the future which has resulted in my feeling even more lonely and lost. The only person I could be around was Daniel who has been a fucking superhero, going out of his way to do everything for me. But I could see his desperation and fear shining through, not being able to fix what’s wrong.
The reason being me hating my uni and wanting to drop out but not knowing what I should do instead or what I want with myself. I didn’t want to take a retail job and there were no alternative schools in London. The only thing that got me excited was a program I found at Hyper Island in Stockholm, Sweden. But Stockholm is the last place I want to live in. What about me and Daniel? Long distance or Daniel moving to Sweden? But he doesn’t speak the language? Would he get a job? Would our relationship last? How about this life I’ve got here? My friends? Should I stick it out in London instead?
I freaked out and felt my world crashing down on me. The fear and panic poisoned me. If Daniel is the only one who got me through this misery I could never risk anything to happen to us! So I decided I would stay in the program I was at and worked my ass off but just to get even more miserable. So Daniel told me to get my shit together and apply to Hyper Island anyway and we’ll make sure to figure things out when it comes to that. I then spent day and night for the remaining two weeks of the creative task that people had 6 months to complete. It felt impossible.
And oh dear, a few weeks ago, in the midst of all my final hand ins I receive an email that I’m one of the 70 out of 249 who has been accepted to the next round in the application process and need to come in on the 23rd of May for an admissions day. I lost my breath. With fear excitement panic sorrow and happiness.
The past two weeks were just been a big confusion. Buried under my last hand ins and worries I completely neglected this cyberspace haven. A place which usually brings me joy and comfort but lately has been infested by mean comments and pressure. Whichever way I wrote or behaved, didn’t write or didn’t behave, whoever I hung out with or didn’t hang out with, looked like or didn’t look like I was always wrong. And I’m an imperfect person with tons of flaws but also many wicked sides, just like all of you. But it was like people assumed that I meant harm and that all along I’ve just been trying to cover up the fact that I’m a bad person. The more I gave and opened up the nastier people were and the heavier I felt, which sucks! So I kind of stopped.
Despite having anxiety attacks about life I managed to hand in my last 9 essays on the day of the deadlines and flew to Stockholm the same day. On the admissions day I was a wreck but managed to get through the day with an interview with three different Hyper people, a 90min individual task and a 2hrs group task. I cried on my interview when they asked me what my biggest secret was. But I was honest and it felt fucking awesome. I had so much fun and everybody there were goddamn geniuses! The ideas we created, stories people told and the methods we were taught during that day inspired me more than this whole year at LCC.
So now I’m back in London, more confused than ever. Because the last thing I want is to move away from the loves of my life, this city and my man. But I’ve never wanted to go somewhere so badly as I want to go to Hyper Island now.
On the week of the 9th of June I find out. Only 30 people get accepted. Either way I’ll cry, because I’m clearly a cry baby. What I do know is that no matter what I am going to drop out of LCC. Nothing is worth feeling like this for. And I’m not taking on another job this summer but I’m going to spend it being poor in the sun, and I am going to write. Short stories, articles, create zines and maybe start a novel.
But yes, this is what has been going on. Sure there were good moments too, like getting to know Kajsa and Ornella who were my rocks. I desperately clung onto every happy moment not to get absolutely lost, and that’s also what I posted here. A blog is made out of fractions of peoples lives, and put together it almost creates fiction. Which is amazing! Why shouldn’t we dream and escape a bit? This is supposed to be a place for that, which sometimes also includes misery and sorrow, but often not. Posting all my happy days here made me realise this past 9 months that I had lovely, magical times too, which gives me hope.
And it is getting brighter! Thanks for still reading and sending me nice messages now and then. Every single compliment or hello from you means the world to me. So let’s make this a pleasant place, where it’s fun for you to read but also for me to write and soon we’ll get back on track.
(and a big applause to you who read this enormous text)